|Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004|
here's a story
once upon a time, there was a livejournal community that everyone forgot existed.
|Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004|
mr bungle saves the day
One mid November morning in long beach Florida a young lad named Orion, and he was having a hard time with life. His parents had recently died in a car accident and his brother, Tony, was in jail for manslaughter. His head was spinning with ideas of what he was going to do. With all other options looking closed Orion fell to his knees and prayed to god.
"Oh dear god!" Orion cried onto the lord "why have you abandoned me?"
As Orion’s words hit the air the sky parted and the lord said on to Orion, "Orion have not abandoned you, I have been here through the good times and the bad, I was here when you went to church with your family and I was there when you were snorting coke with your friends. I do feel pity for you so I will appoint you a helper."
"A helper?" Orion said with a skeptical look on his face.
"Yes, a helper. His name is Mr. Bungle and he brings joy to every life he touches. So here he is, and now I bid you farewell."
Out of thin air a giant clown appeared and said in a giggly voice " hey there Orion, I’m Mr. Bungle and I’m here to make you happy. We’ll start by wiping out all those bad memories of your parents dying."
With a wave of a hand a smile hit Orion’s face like no smile to ever exist on earth. Inside Orion’s head a world of butterflies, chipmunks, and other crazy animals. back in the real world Mr. Bungle took the veggie like body of Orion and laid him on a bed. Orion’s state of happiness lasted for many years and by his side sat Mr. Bungle. Everything was going fine until one day something in Orion's world went terribly wrong. All those years of sitting next to Orion really did a number on Mr. Bungle's arteries and he had a heart attack. When me bungle died Orion’s magic happy world turned to a world of fear and loathing. The butterflies all put on argyle sweaters and started telling jokes from the TV show Frasier. As if that wasn’t bad enough the chipmunks all started wearing London guards hats. When Orion asked them where they got them they said that they killed a Brit and stole his hat and that if Orion told anyone they would kill him next.
After years of peace and harmony Orion didn’t know how to respond to these threats so he just ran to a corner and cried. After Orion had been there for several days a crazy looking anteater came up to him and shot him in the face with a 12 gauge shot gun. Current Mood: cranky
|Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004|
so I was working today. well okay I still am, but that's not the point. I come out to the front and there were 2 cute little gay guys sitting out in the lobby. I ask them if they needed help or anything and they said they were just waiting for a friend. I offered to call the room for them but they said they'd just wait. so they sit there for a half hour watching american idol, and I was just about to ask them to leave when their friend comes down. their transvestite hooker friend. and I know it wasn't someone staying here because there were only like 5 people checked in on second floor, where the friend came from. and I checked all those people in. maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions here but sicksicksciksicksicksicksicksicksicisjd.
I'm an open minded person but transvestite hookers is just too much! until I had sex with her/him.
|Sunday, January 11th, 2004|
"...well, last friday at work brenard said he was gonna hurt me so he punched me and i said "ouch stop that it hurts" but it really didnt. brenard hits like bryan da gimp, and bryan da gimp hits like brenard who hits like a girl. so he thought he had won until i snuck up behind him and jumped on his back. i guess i hurt his back perty bad cuz he just fell to the floor and soosan had to driv ehuim to the hospital. look i already told you everything i know now could you just leave me alone. it was an sccident." thats what i told the piggys and then they said "oh well if you didnt mean to hurt him then you are off the hook. and hes black and no jury in america would ever convict a white boy for hurting a black man, they might even congragulate you. well have a nice night" and then the cops left. they were both black. this really really happened i swear. Current Mood: accomplished
|Wednesday, January 7th, 2004|
why dont you send me...oh why dont you send me..your dirty sheets. velcrow whores they fill the streets infecting everyone they meet. like helter skelter and son of sam. KEEP A LIGHT ON. dont fall asleep or we'll mutalate your. dont eat the crunch. dont eat the crunch ou...
|Friday, December 19th, 2003|
the cut before last
i was in my lab the night before last and we had a livly one. she was around the age of 16 and long blond hair. I think she said her name was kate. the surgery started like any other, she was screaming and beging us to stop but of course we wont so i undid her top and make the inital cut. we had to get more straps to hold her down. she didn't pass out until her left breast was removed. when i made sure she was dead and i had learned all i could from her young hard body i gave the body to minion, my 300 pound toy that loved to give himself to the bodies i gave him. when i was done i relized that i was in love with this kate, but alas it was too late and i am destined to live by myself forever. I got another body to-day and boy oh boy did i make him suffer. i cut his skin off inch by inch and made a mask out of his face. he lived almost to the end. minion will be happy, for he often finds the skin chewy. scut scut scut.
|Thursday, December 18th, 2003|
|Wednesday, December 17th, 2003|
I just heard...
that some lady gave birth to a still born fetus in her own home but she wouldn't accept that it was dead so she continued to breast feed it for almost 2 months. She made the dead fetus drink the milk by pushing on its mouth. She is now in some mental hospital were i'm sure she will be raped and beaten until her court date comes.
|Tuesday, December 16th, 2003|
pain of boy X-posted
once apon a time there was a boy that decided that he wanted to be able to fly and still be able to swim. so the boy left on a long adventure that took him all around the world. After 32 years of looking the young lad found what he was looking for, a magic lamp. When the boy rubbed the lamp something shot out of it and he heard a sigh of joy. Out came the genie.
"gee thanks kid." the gennie said and extended his arm for a handshake, " i've been tryin to finish off that for awhile but i just couldn't rub it hard enough for it to finish"
the boy outreached his hand and shook the genies hand. "genie, i want to be able to fly and swim faster than any other beast on this earth!"
"your wish is my command"
the next moment a boat and a plane appeared. Then without saying a word the genie flew away. I think he went back to the sun where genies are born.
"come back genie!!" the boy yelled for he thought he had found a friend but alas he was all alone. and with no way to get his boaat down from the moutain that he had climbed into. So the boy got into his plane and tried to turn it on but he didnt know how. his life was over. the boy took out a gun and shot himself in the mouth. the world will never know the pain of boy.
|Saturday, December 13th, 2003|
so i'm a 55 year old woman.
ok, so i'm a 55 year old woman and new york native. every friday the kids go to their grandmother's and me and the husband, al, have a moment. Well last friday i wasnt in the mood to have a "moment" but of course al was so i told him to back off, head up to bed, and i would be there when i was done with the dishes. so i did the dishes slower than i have ever done them before, i mean like a half hour later i was done and i stopped to call to my mutha and was just askin about the kids and what not. so i figure he must be asleep now. so i sneak up these old wooden steps, my house was built in 1911 ya know, and the stairs are skweky so i stopped and listened and i heard him snoring so i thought thank god i'm in the clear. so i creep under the blankets and turn off to the side so if he wakes up looking for the moment i can pretend to be asleep. so not a min. later and i look over and i see the blanket moving up and down in a fast motion. so i thought 'what kind a pervert did i marry?'
so i turned over and tried to ignore it but now it was really beatin on the blanket so i turned back over and thought hey i'm gonna embarass this jerk. i grabbed ahold of the blanket and ripped it off and screamed 'HA I GOT YA YA PERV!' and i looked down and right between his legs was the cat. it was pawing at its ear. i couldnt beleive it. i was soo embarrassed and then of course he woke up and turned to saying ' aw your finally here'. so we went threw the motions 'oh yeah, thats right, give it to me.' *turns on the tv*.
|Wednesday, December 10th, 2003|
Dear Passive Aggressive Closet Case,
By the time you read this, I'll be blowing your best friend. I'm sorry for doing this but, it fulfills my sadistic fantasies. I know this might comes as a bit of a brain aneurysm to you - especially because you're too buried in porn to notice. But I'm sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're totally keen, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a German Scat Aficionado, and I'm vastly superior to you. You like long walks on the beach, you eat meat, and enjoy quilting, and I don't like any of these things. Your favorite movie is The Bare Wench Project, and your favorite band is The Partridge Family. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Nuke me some fucking hash browns!". Anyway, I want to date everyone at your firm. But you know what? I still want to be friends of a friend. We can totally have hot sloppy booty calls . We had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I'm passed out) . But please, don't get all John Wayne Gacy like last time. That means no spiteful genital tattoos. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the $5,000 you owe me, or the fact that you punched my grandmother. So take care of yourself - and O.D. on Botox.
P.S. I faked every orgasm. Current Mood: horny
by Don. o. Van and Jill. E. Ann
My grandma asked me to go get fish from the market. She is hairy and old. She thinks that fish will make her young again. she read it in TIME. Not just any fish, but magical fish from Tibet. Red, blue, and polka-dotted with pearly white spots. What really happened when she ate the fish was a small mad would grow out of her back. He looked exactly like an attractive man doesn't. His name was Jilliano. he smoked cigars laced with the blood of the innocent. And eh ate vast amounts of pumpkin bread. My grandma had enough, as he started doing heroin, and asked me to kill him. So i stole his heroin. fed it to the dog. fed the dog to the circus, fed the circus to the ATM and fed the ATM to my grandma. Then I married the man on her back. And we lived in a mud hut only eating rhubarb and toffee cakes generally ignoring my grandma. we emerged from the temple of doom victorious and the healthiest people in the world. I woke up to my grandma telling me to get fish. The ones she read about in TIME.
Jesus and the Astronauts by charles Hainsworth and Jillian
I gave him some medicine. He is out now. I couldn't believe what he had done. Feedback was still throbbing through the microphone. He burndt off his sideburns then ran through the sprinklers and continued to run through the picnic shouting and screaming. The mothers' covered their children's ears to sheild them from the obsenities of this buck wild, buck naked madman, his singed sideburns still smoking. He turned to the right just in time to realize that the white and red chekered picnic table cloths were actually white and red checkered ghosts coming to life. he felt the throbbing in his head and remembered all of thel ies that grandmother television had told him. Stop here, do this, green means go, this side up, wash hands before use. The world just wasn't that simple. the clouds gathered above his head and he took a pill and the lightning sang him to sleep.
|Monday, December 8th, 2003|
So my brother has AIDS. they dont know how he got them but they said he has about six months to a year to live. i bet he got it from either butt sex or a dirty needle. my parents thought he was such a good little boy but i knew better...hes dirty. so my parents took him out of school and they want me to bond with him before he dies which i dont understand because as soon as we get close he will die. so i think i am just gonna keep the same relationship i have with him now...none. i hate him and i really wont be sad when that times comes. that just means twice the presents for me and twice the everything. so i played YU-GI-OH for like 12 hours yesterday. it rawked. i need a new life cuz this one blows. i have no friends and i have no woman...but at least my brother will die soon and it will be a little quiter all the time. thank god for death. hey i could turn this post into song lyrics in a locust style spaz-core band.
|Friday, December 5th, 2003|
Once upon a time there was a bell-headed hideous hag. She was commonly known as...THE BLACK HOLE (frightening music plays in the backgroun as bolts of lighting come out of no where). One day this horrifying creature was taking a walk in the dark forest with her best friend the mutated and horrific bird like imp. The imp's name is Megan. They were walking along the path and Megan realized she was attracted to black hole's siphilusy self and started making out with her. They became the best of friends and when Sarah (black hole) became a transvestite cowboy, they had babies together. The end. Current Mood: weird
when i grow up i'm gonna write books. my fav. kind of books are how to books. so i think my collection will start off with...
1.how to do an at home abortion
2.how to make a black person work
3.how to crack a whip
4.how to stop being racist
5.how to make fetus stew with jizz-ums sandwhichs
6.how to do a self-circumsition
any ideas? you should add them
One afternoon, i decided to go out for a walk with my soon to be wife, sarah. we started off by walking to the local market and thats where i saw her. she was the most beautiful person i have ever seen..so right there on the spot i dropped sarah and followed this woman. the second moon was brighter than it had ever been and that could only mean good luck. after following her for fifteen min. she walked into a small brick appartment. i followed. she got into the elevator and i followed her. while we were riding up she made eye contact with me and looked away with discust. so i figure if she wont love me i might as well love her. so i pushed the emrgency stop button and approached her. i ripped of her dress and thrust my hands into her underwear, but when i did i found something rather unusual...a penis. at this point i slowly withdrew my hand and looked back into this man's eyes he was smileing very big. next thing i knew he was pulling off my pants and nomatter what i did i couldnt get him off. The man took off his pants and forced his penis into my asshole. IN AND OUT AND IN AND OUT. it seemed to last forever. i passed out from the pain. When i woke up i was chained up in his room. i tried to scream but i had a ball gag in my mouth. then the door opened and in walked five big men. i knew what i was in for.